Have I forgiven God? I have.
Was it too much? No.
I spent most of my life carrying an unbearably heavy burden of blaming God for this world’s pain, and on the day they call “conversion,” when my heart quieted and allowed itself finally to feel His touch, we forgave each other. Too many of us walk through life drying up and dying because we can’t forgive.
This world is not perfect. Nothing temporal can be unchanging; nothing changing can be perfect. By the very virtue of pouring forth this temporal universe, God accepted its imperfection. Is imperfection part of what makes us unique to Him? Fascinating? Part of the reason He created us so? Part of the design? Or is imperfection a side effect of the process of creation, the end goal of which is new perfection of a unity of Creator and His Creation? Or, perhaps, both?
Is our suffering, then, God’s collateral damage?
I do not know how the world works, but I know—I feel with everything I am—that God is not an observer of suffering or an “absentee landlord.” In the years when I could not forgive Him for the evil of this world, my mind kept going back to places where suffering was being inflicted on people by people, the powerless tortured by the powerful, and I could find no justification for God if He was present and watched and did nothing—or if He was absent and did not watch. I understand now that my binary was flawed.
This world is not God’s toy, not God’s TV screen. While it is created and shaped in some ways, perhaps, like a sculpture and does not contain all of Him, it is connected to Him more intimately than a sculpture to the sculptor. The world is part of God, a continuation of Him, the expression of His nature, permeated by and filled with Him a bit like a body part, like a lotus flower growing out of Vishnu’s navel. God doesn’t watch the suffering of the world. He feels it. As much as He feels its joy.
At the moment of the beginning of creation, the world individuated from God but only to a certain extent—a simpler thing in its own right yet never separate—and lost its eternity in God but gained its fluidity in time and began to change and to develop so at the end of creation, at the end of time, it could become a thing more beautiful than we, still the children of imperfection, can now imagine—so it could flow back into God’s eternal reality and enrich it with its uniqueness, its temporally experienced Love. Love temporal and Goodness eternal intertwined.
I have forgiven God for the pain of the world, and He has forgiven me for my imperfection. I have forgiven God because our pain is His pain, and He endures it for the sake of the beauty, the love, and the promise the world contains. He has forgiven me because He was just waiting to, because all things imperfect in me are temporary but my love is not, because I am Him, from the beginning of creation and at the end of time.